Sunday,January 18, 2026
Weekly Blog by massangoto
Good morning! It’s Sunday, 11:30 AM. This is massangoto! 🧑💻
I’m happy to report that my X (formerly Twitter) account has reached 5,458 followers! To all my followers: thank you so much! I am truly grateful for your support. m(_ _)m
Since developing my illness, I’ve struggled with the persistent feeling of being monitored by some organization. Because of this, I spend most of my time at home in a "semi-hikikomori" (partially withdrawn) state. My outings are mostly limited to hospital visits, grocery shopping, and visiting my parents' house when they need help with their smartphones.
However, I’ve made a discovery: when using public transportation, wearing earphones and listening to music completely blocks out the surrounding "gaslighting" or verbal abuse. While I still hear internal auditory hallucinations, they are manageable. I’ve been using the bus for hospital visits this way for about a month now. For grocery runs, I use my bicycle. Since it’s a short distance, I rarely encounter gaslighting, and the hallucinations remain at a baseline level. Although the feeling of being watched has persisted since I first fell ill years ago, the voices—which used to sound like celebrities or voice actors—have settled into specific personalities, mostly female and occasionally male.
When exhaustion peaks, I sometimes feel the onset of panic disorder, which can be draining. Years ago, I learned that taking Paxil the night before can prevent panic attacks without next-day side effects. While I’m not taking Paxil currently, I find that I only experience the "premonition" of panic rather than a full-blown attack. I feel like I am mostly in remission.
Regarding my health, I’ve successfully dropped from a peak weight of 106kg down to the 73kg range. My goal is to stay around 72kg (including clothes). Thanks to this weight loss, I finally bought a new size "L" jacket! I had previously joked about not buying new clothes and just bleaching old ones, but my old "3L" jackets were simply too big. I think "L" is my perfect size for the long haul.
Later this month, I will visit my neurologist to report on my progress with 1.5mg of Rivotril. Although I had about two days of "shocks" over the past four weeks, it wasn't a total failure. I plan to tell my doctor that 1.5mg seems sufficient given that it only happened twice in a month.
I have one lifelong dream that I am determined to achieve. I pray and take action toward it every day. Despite the physical struggles and hallucinations, I feel I’ve been in a good rhythm this past year and might reach it soon. To manage my symptoms, I am diligent with my medication (morning, noon, as-needed, and before bed) and usually go to sleep around 4 PM. I continue to pray morning and night to make this wish come true.
Finally, I have published two books on Amazon Kindle. I would especially love for you to read the first one, titled "Private Novel: Half a Life with Schizophrenia" (私小説 統合失調症の半生). I poured everything about my journey with this illness into this first book. If you are struggling with schizophrenia or facing hardships in life, I truly hope you find it helpful.
That’s all for today’s blog! I’ll see you again next Sunday.
Wishing you all a week of safety, peace at home, and prosperity in your endeavors.
This was massangoto! 🙋✨
Discover Gotō's memoir, 'A Half-Life with Schizophrenia', now on Kindle. 📖
